you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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