im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
