things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
