Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
