Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
