Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
