Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
