so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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