So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
