On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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