why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
someone owes me an orgasm
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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