Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
