She said her name was "party"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
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If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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