I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Floor bacon is actually really good
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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