im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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