i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
