my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
