come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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