how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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