dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
