i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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