I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
