I skipped work to stalk him.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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