Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
