and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
