How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
