Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
