your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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