Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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