I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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