My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
