she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
