So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
