seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
