Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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