she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
