Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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