Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're like the curious george of whores
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
