I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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