if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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