Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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