if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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