i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
