i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
