ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
