Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
