why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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