Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
