I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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