I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
