just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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