In America we eat man semen.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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