I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
