Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
