She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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