I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
