I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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