Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
