Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
